Stream Much?

New Streaming Services You Didn’t Know Existed

As this quarantine choogles on, I hope you are pleasantly isolated and in comfortable, safe environs. As we all stay indoors and live the life less-active, watchable shows are needed more than ever! Have you exhausted the offerings of Netflix and Amazon? Had it with Hulu? Fed up with Fubo? Quitting QuiBi?!? I assume since my last survey of new streaming services, that you’ve definitely run out of things to watch. Well you are in luck. My tireless efforts have uncovered even more streaming sites that no one else knows about! Sit back and get with these new, streamers… that you can only learn about right here, in this article that you are reading right now.

Truly Legal

Is the True Crime genre not really your thing? Are you sick of all the documentary series about murder and betrayal? Honestly, it’s not for me. What’s up with all the rule flaunting? It’s like, I get it, people are doing bad things, hurting, robbing, killing… yawn. That does not interest me. Great news though, there’s a new streaming service that puts a well-deserved spotlight on legal activities and rule followers! And it’s called TRULY LEGAL! This new service has one rule: No Crimes Allowed! Actually, it has millions of rules, and they are ALL FOLLOWED! They have so much content for the legally-minded viewer. Here are just a few of their original shows.

Laws Ordered

Art by Pretzelworld ©2020

Howard Rauske, 43, of Bettendorf, Iowa, stood at the intersection of Mississippi St. and 18th St for four hours waiting for the WALK sign to give him permission to cross the street. Rauske was not aware that the electronic WALK sign was frozen in the DO NOT WALK position and awaiting repair. A temporary “Under repair” placard from the Iowa Department of Transportation’s Office of Maintenance had swung out of Rauske’s eyesight (due to one rusty screw) as he stood fixed in the same exact spot for the duration. Once the sun started to set at 7:23 pm, Rauske turned around and returned to his home to lower the flag on the flagpole in his front yard. This happened!

Obedience Today

Local youth, Braden Kakowski, 16, of Rahway, New Jersey, employed the search engine Duck Duck Go to inquire cyberly on the legal status of vaping in the Garden State. Reaching inconclusive results, Kakowski decided to play it safe and not enter the Smoke ’n’ Go store on St. George Avenue to peruse their selection of aerosol e-puff products, even though Kayleigh Park intimated in third period Com. Lit. that the Buttered Popcorn flavored vape was “birdhands.” Kakowski’s whereabouts immediately after this incident are unknown.

Lawful Neutral

This is Truly Legal’s reality-based gameshow! Truly Legal’s legal department has scoured local municipalities’ driver records for citizen’s with no points on their license to be on this show. Contestants face such challenges as:
DILEMNA #1: Encountering an unattended grocery store free sample table with slices of expensive salami. Do they take 1 or 2 samples? Or none at all? Do they come back later to take more? The consequences are minimal yet explosive (for some)!
DILEMNA #2: Picture this: You’re in a public bathroom… You use it… No-one else is around… You’re in a hurry… To flush or not to flush!
DILEMNA #3: In a local general goods store, you’re walking down an aisle and a box of dish scouring pads falls off the shelf as you pass. Did you unknowingly nudge the box off the shelf? Did the box fall on it’s own accord? Is this a prank? Did you cause the box to fall by using only your mind! Are you even in control of these dangerous powers?! Should you commit yourself to an institution in order to be studied by scientists and dissected for the benefit of mankind?!?!!??!

BURNR

Collage by Eden Gauteron

Well, my favorite event of the year has been canceled this year: Burning Man. Mega-bummer! Yeah the 80th Olympic Games got shitcanned. And the NBA and Baseball decided to delay and shorten their seasons this year for safety reasons. I can understand that. BUT NOT BURNING MAN! This is the one time of the year where myself and like-spirited souls can exist as only we were intended to exist… in the desert intentional community doing lots of drugs while wearing goggles and looking for that good aloe. Sure the global pandemic can shutdown those big corporate sports seasons… but why it gotta deny me my holy time Burning Man?!

Well the next-best thing has come along… BURNR… its thee virtual experience for the most hardcore burners… who don’t mind staying home! Instead of making a gigantic sculpture out of miles and miles of toxic glow sticks, with BURNR, you can make art virtually (in an exclusive partnership with MindKraft© [a copyright-skirting facsimile of MineCraft)! The virtual sky’s the limit in MindKraft. And you won’t get any nasty glue gun burns.

Instead of riding your pink banana-seat bike around while wearing green bunny ears and a boa, you can create your outrageous avatar onscreen complete with blinking top hat and chainmail bruhkini, while still in your comfy gray sweatpants! No one will know!! And you can dance your avatar’s tushy off without ever getting off your couch! You can get kurate® your own music playelyst.† Listen to YOUR music. You will not be subjected to some random Swede DJ’s idea of future tribal EDM.

And hey, no ouchy sunburn this year.

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